Installment Seven - The Unraveling Continues

As we left our main characters, temp commish, Mike, was telling his buddies about the other league he was in and how the allegedly unstable, Keith, AKA Crappie, didn’t seem too bad. Little did he know that while he was talking about that, Keith was in his room alone, watching football, and building conspiracy theories in the vacuum of conversation. It appeared that, for once, something interesting might finally happen in this story.

Since those early weeks, things indeed did take a turn for the worse. Suffering from a spate of losses, injuries, and perceived unfair dealings on the waiver wire, Keith’s roster move messages became increasingly more frequent and bizarre.

(Cut to long shot of answering machine. What is this, screenplay format now? Why you little..)

BEEP Yes, this is “I Know Where You Live.” I’d like to drop Natrone Means and pick up, um. No wait. Has anybody else called yet? “

BEEP Yes, this is “I Know Where You Live.” I’d like to drop Natrone Means and pick up Chris Warren, Running Back, Dallas Cowboys.

BEEP Yes, this is “I Know Where You Live.” So, I said drop Means, right? Drafted him high and now he’s hurt. I should get first pick, because he was a good player.

BEEP Yes, this is “I Know Where You Live.” I know you told Duane the time 3 weeks ago when I was picking up Jonny Morton and that I’m playing the rest of the season under protest. If he picks up Chris Warner this week, I’m going to sell my team off. I don’t care if I am 6-2.

BEEP Yes, this is “I Know Where You Live.” I meant Chris Warren. Did I say Chris Warner? It should be Chris Warren. Whatever. You better not tell Duane.

BEEP Yes, this is “I Know Where You Live.” So did you get the joke of my last two messages? That’s right. I was joking. I bet I had you going.

BEEP Yes, Mike, this is Tom. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you, but the phone is always busy or the messages full. What are you Mr. Popularity these days? Give me a call. Someone might want to buy your trailer.

BEEP Yes, this is “I Know Where You Live.” How come the line was busy? Were you talking to Duane? You better not be. I don’t care if I’m 6-2. If I see you guys walking down the street, well, you know.

Mr. Popularity? Mike could only wish. Each message was like a ham-handed nurse with a catheter, slowly auguring out what was left of his soul and his sanity. How could have Duane done this to him? Who are his friends really? Is all this introspection normal? This must end. But how?

So is Mike going to be the one that cracks first?

Has the whole “assault of the previous commissioner” story-line been completely abandoned?

Could we possibly throw in any more 1998-season references?

Was that last question leading to a pattern of increasing sarcasm?

To see if this might actually be starting to go somewhere, tune in to the next installment of... Football Attraction (scary music fade-out)

Originally appeared in RABEFL News - Volume 14, Week 10

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